Stories of yesterday.

I have been doing something extraordinarily painful the last few days. I have been going through years of emails and emailed text "conversations". Why? Why put myself through the pain? It seems worthless because I can't even count the number of times I've cried while doing this.

There are reasons why I'm doing this. I used to do it after I knew about the abuse so that I could remind myself of what was happening. I would get stuck in what some call the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) phase of abuse when he was "nice" to me. I could pick a random date over the span of our relationship and open an email. I then had my reminder that this was real. Now it is therapeutic sometimes because I am reminded that I did the right thing. I get lonely at times and wonder if I've made a mistake. I pick a random date, read, and the feeling is gone.

The reason I'm doing it now is important as well. I have a lot of work to do, and it could take me a long time. I have to remove personal, identifying details and figure out what to include and what not to. I'm going to publish it. I'm realistic in knowing that it could take years to do this. I am a full time student and mother while dealing with the PTSD from the abuse. I have set a goal, though, and will make the time to do this. Reading about others' encounters is what helped me recognize what was going on in my own relationship. As painful as it is to revisit my stories, a victim could see her story in mine. It could make the necessary difference.