Lost

I know for a fact that I've never been more lost than I am in this moment. I know that I will figure it out, as always, but I think it's going to be difficult. I know that I don't want to leave, but I'm going through the motions so that when the day comes, I'll be ready. I've been blindly preparing and getting things in order so that life can start again. It will get better.

It will. :)

Happy New Year!

That's Interesting, Honey....

...as his eyes are closing and he drifts into a dream-filled sleep. That would normally be fine, except you just shared your deepest interests and passions with him. The truth is, though, should he even feign interest in the possible repercussions of a neurological breakthrough? Or, better yet, that you just learned about the composition of blood and what connects this to this, and what is SO amazing about the human body? It's mind blowing when you break down what we require to move even an eyelid!

My answer would be yes. While it stinks that he would have to feign interest, at least it would be something. An enthusiastic nod, a question or two to show that the wheels are turning, or even a smile that says "I love you for your brain". For someone that loves this kind of science, it's very difficult to comprehend someone not being passionate about it. You become surrounded by others that share your passions, only to come home to someone that has absolutely no interest. It's hard to find the balance.

Sometimes all you can think about is how you developed an interest in his world. You've never liked video games, you play them now. You've never cared for tv, much less ANYTHING sci-fi, and you watch them and get excited. With him. For him. Are women just better at faking (ha!) or are we just more open to considering new experiences?

I just want to be me and have that be okay...

I won't say all of us are the same. We have a lot of things in common. The most general thing is that we are women. Some of us are mothers, step-mothers, or adoptive parents. We are wives, girlfriends, or engaged. We shovel the last, heaping bite of chocolate cake in our mouths when no one is looking even if we claim we don't like cake or chocolate. Okay, maybe that's just me. We like romantic comedies, but get hooked on action movies. We love our children, but we need air from time to time. We love our significant others. We are faithful. We are honest. We are aiming to please. We want to succeed. We want others around us to breathe in that success and make it their own. We want to put a band aid on the world and start over. We want too much. We care and we have amazing hearts. We are completely misunderstood by those that don't feel the same. We keep going, even if we are not appreciated. We hope that one day, it will come.

They think we want to be Barbie. While it would be nice to have the time to be Barbie, with perfect hair, teeth, nails, and boobs, I have to laugh at that. There is only one woman I can be like that will get it all done when it needs to be.





Personally, I don't want to be Wonder Woman for the rest of my life. There are some days when I want to kick back, and let whatever's going to fall apart around me just crumble. As much as I want to, I just can't. I do what I'm supposed to do to make the lives of those around me better, then I worry about mine. Very few days go by now that I actually have time to think about myself, though. Taking care of those around me is exhausting most days and takes up the majority of my thoughts.

There are horrible things going on all over the world. I'm absolutely sure there are people out there that would love to have what I have, including the problems. I'm a woman who just took a time out for herself, and now I have to go pick up the pieces around me. That's all.