Although I know this blog does not have loyal followers right now, I wanted to apologize for not living up to my goal of one post a day. Guilt is now a part of my every day life that I'm trying to overcome. I know that I do not have to justify to anyone that may read this blog now or in the future, but I will still do it. Currently, I am very busy with the every day complexities of being a single mom of two children and taking finals for my summer classes. I am stressed about finances and what the future will bring there.
Also, some days it is very painful to write or read about the past. This is all a part of recovery, though. I will end today with a beautiful song that gave me goosebumps from head to toe.
We are strong and we will make it out of the darkness. Awareness is the first step in the journey of healing. With support and knowledge, every one of us will rise out of the ground that we were buried alive in.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Friday, July 22, 2011
Sharing a story a day.
Since the whole reason behind this blog is to share experiences that other women may be able to relate to, I'm going to start. As I have said before, when I realized what was happening, I could not find validation. I felt crazy due to the abuse and like my thoughts might be all lies like he said they were. If one story resonates with one person, that will be worth it.
I've started to pull together the countless emails, recorded and text conversations. The stories are all there. They're unbelievable. If you were to tell me about four years ago that my life would turn into constant verbal battering, I wouldn't have believed you at all. I was too tough for that.
Before I start posting individual stories, please consider that this is difficult. I am battling PTSD right now. I lost insurance when I left, so I'm dealing with it on my own. I have flashbacks and nightmares. I constantly think I've made somebody angry and become filled with anxiety. If I don't hear from a friend for a day, I tend to think that I must have done something wrong. I search through text messages and my memory to figure out what I said or did to upset them. I apologize for it when they call. They never understand why I'm apologizing, because I'm embarrassed to tell them about the anxiety over their imagined anger.
I am very fortunate to have a wonderful support system. I can call my friends at any time and they will either come over or talk on the phone with me until the smoke clears. I have parents that understand what I'm going through and that are thrilled that I am out. I literally would not have left his house if it had not been for my friends and family. They could have saved my life.
Don't take what I've just said the wrong way. Yes, at times, I am suffering. I can say with complete honesty that through the suffering, I am happier than I ever was with him. I still have to see him because of our daughter. I do breathing exercises before he comes so that the anxiety isn't too great. I am happy. I am not being abused. I don't have to be ever again.
I admire every woman that leaves and every woman that stays. Hold your chin up, put your shoulders back, and do what you can. You are worth it.
I've started to pull together the countless emails, recorded and text conversations. The stories are all there. They're unbelievable. If you were to tell me about four years ago that my life would turn into constant verbal battering, I wouldn't have believed you at all. I was too tough for that.
Before I start posting individual stories, please consider that this is difficult. I am battling PTSD right now. I lost insurance when I left, so I'm dealing with it on my own. I have flashbacks and nightmares. I constantly think I've made somebody angry and become filled with anxiety. If I don't hear from a friend for a day, I tend to think that I must have done something wrong. I search through text messages and my memory to figure out what I said or did to upset them. I apologize for it when they call. They never understand why I'm apologizing, because I'm embarrassed to tell them about the anxiety over their imagined anger.
I am very fortunate to have a wonderful support system. I can call my friends at any time and they will either come over or talk on the phone with me until the smoke clears. I have parents that understand what I'm going through and that are thrilled that I am out. I literally would not have left his house if it had not been for my friends and family. They could have saved my life.
Don't take what I've just said the wrong way. Yes, at times, I am suffering. I can say with complete honesty that through the suffering, I am happier than I ever was with him. I still have to see him because of our daughter. I do breathing exercises before he comes so that the anxiety isn't too great. I am happy. I am not being abused. I don't have to be ever again.
I admire every woman that leaves and every woman that stays. Hold your chin up, put your shoulders back, and do what you can. You are worth it.
Stories of yesterday.
I have been doing something extraordinarily painful the last few days. I have been going through years of emails and emailed text "conversations". Why? Why put myself through the pain? It seems worthless because I can't even count the number of times I've cried while doing this.
There are reasons why I'm doing this. I used to do it after I knew about the abuse so that I could remind myself of what was happening. I would get stuck in what some call the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) phase of abuse when he was "nice" to me. I could pick a random date over the span of our relationship and open an email. I then had my reminder that this was real. Now it is therapeutic sometimes because I am reminded that I did the right thing. I get lonely at times and wonder if I've made a mistake. I pick a random date, read, and the feeling is gone.
The reason I'm doing it now is important as well. I have a lot of work to do, and it could take me a long time. I have to remove personal, identifying details and figure out what to include and what not to. I'm going to publish it. I'm realistic in knowing that it could take years to do this. I am a full time student and mother while dealing with the PTSD from the abuse. I have set a goal, though, and will make the time to do this. Reading about others' encounters is what helped me recognize what was going on in my own relationship. As painful as it is to revisit my stories, a victim could see her story in mine. It could make the necessary difference.
There are reasons why I'm doing this. I used to do it after I knew about the abuse so that I could remind myself of what was happening. I would get stuck in what some call the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) phase of abuse when he was "nice" to me. I could pick a random date over the span of our relationship and open an email. I then had my reminder that this was real. Now it is therapeutic sometimes because I am reminded that I did the right thing. I get lonely at times and wonder if I've made a mistake. I pick a random date, read, and the feeling is gone.
The reason I'm doing it now is important as well. I have a lot of work to do, and it could take me a long time. I have to remove personal, identifying details and figure out what to include and what not to. I'm going to publish it. I'm realistic in knowing that it could take years to do this. I am a full time student and mother while dealing with the PTSD from the abuse. I have set a goal, though, and will make the time to do this. Reading about others' encounters is what helped me recognize what was going on in my own relationship. As painful as it is to revisit my stories, a victim could see her story in mine. It could make the necessary difference.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Single Dad Laughing, You just broke your child.
This reminds me that there are men out there that recognize abuse and do not victimize others.
This reminds me that there are men out there that recognize abuse and do not victimize others.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
The newest letter hanging in my office.
Although writing yourself a note seems insane to some, their opinion has nothing to do with who you are. Self dialogue is important for healing and remembering who you are.
Remember that:
-You can do this on your own.
-You are not responsible for others' behaviors or words.
-You deserve to be treated with respect.
-You can say no to what you do not like or want.
-You can make life changes if you want to.
-You are intelligent, funny, creative, resourceful, kind, and beautiful.
-You are NOT ALONE! Others would not offer to help if they did not want to. Take their help!
-You are worth working for.
-Every time you feel worthless, stop and re-evaluate.
-Do not measure your worth with anyone's opinion.
-Sleep, eat, exercise.
-You have been through trauma. The nightmares will fade, and flashbacks will be painful. Stay focused and in the present.
-You are lovable. It will come. Don't look for it.
-Nobody has a right to treat you as less than their equal.
-If there is one red flag, RUN! It is okay. You won't hurt him.
-If the words, attitudes, or actions disempower, disrespect, or devalue the other, then they are abusive.
You are worth more than abuse. If someone does not see your worth, walk away with your head held high.
You are going to make it. BREATHE. YOU did it.
Love yourself.
"Many women who leave abusive relationships are re-traumatized each time they see their former mate." "...You've got a 50/50 shot. You don't know whether Jekyll or Hyde will be there..."
Breathe. You're worth it.
Remember that:
-You can do this on your own.
-You are not responsible for others' behaviors or words.
-You deserve to be treated with respect.
-You can say no to what you do not like or want.
-You can make life changes if you want to.
-You are intelligent, funny, creative, resourceful, kind, and beautiful.
-You are NOT ALONE! Others would not offer to help if they did not want to. Take their help!
-You are worth working for.
-Every time you feel worthless, stop and re-evaluate.
-Do not measure your worth with anyone's opinion.
-Sleep, eat, exercise.
-You have been through trauma. The nightmares will fade, and flashbacks will be painful. Stay focused and in the present.
-You are lovable. It will come. Don't look for it.
-Nobody has a right to treat you as less than their equal.
-If there is one red flag, RUN! It is okay. You won't hurt him.
-If the words, attitudes, or actions disempower, disrespect, or devalue the other, then they are abusive.
You are worth more than abuse. If someone does not see your worth, walk away with your head held high.
You are going to make it. BREATHE. YOU did it.
Love yourself.
"Many women who leave abusive relationships are re-traumatized each time they see their former mate." "...You've got a 50/50 shot. You don't know whether Jekyll or Hyde will be there..."
Breathe. You're worth it.
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