"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us."
Ralph Waldo Emerson




Recovery is inevitable. I know this, but it is so hard not to be impatient at times. It's happening in the cycles that it is supposed to, according to the many helpful books I have read. I tried to rush it, but only made it worse. It can't be rushed. The problem with having the knowledge that I've acquired about this, and the deep interest in the subject matter for career development, is that I constantly believe that I can rise above it. I can't. There is nothing about me that is exceptional or different than any other woman trying to heal. I understand what is going on within me and why, but that's not enough. I actually have to do the work to heal. I have to remember that. My feelings of self worth cannot be reset every time him and I see each other, or even speak... I am worth so much more. I am worth this recovery.

I'm the only person that can define who I am. He never should have, and I cannot allow him to now. I know who I am and what I am worth. I am a caring, enthusiastic, hard working, intelligent woman. I am an excellent mother and have raised two brilliant, loving, beautiful children. I love my life. I love the people in my life...and I deserve it all.

Some days are tougher than others...but I'm getting closer.

I've surrounded myself with the people who can and want to:
make me smile.
smile because of me.
laugh with me.
care about me.
receive care from me.
be with me.
let me be there for them.
be there for me.




I'm going to add to this list later. The people that are in my life will be here forever. I have been fortunate enough to experience unimaginable support system in my family and friends. They are still by my side and I have no doubt that they value me as much as I value them.

Every day is a winding road...

....and I am getting a little bit closer.



I have a friend that told me that I had taken on too much when I decided that I wanted to share my story. I denied it. Completely. She (nicely) let me know that my goals were set too high and that I would only be setting myself up to, well, fail. I actually became upset with this. I'm trying to build my confidence back as an independent, capable, intelligent woman and she tells me to slow down. This didn't sit well with me. I felt like it was wrong of her to (sorry about the dramatic words here, but it is 1:30 in the morning) crush my dreams. As the only person that understood how much this meant to me, she should have been more supportive.

I now know that she was right. I admit it when I'm wrong about something, and boy was I wrong! Every time I think I've reached a stress threshold, I reach the next level. Not only is it painful to reminisce as often as I want to, but I still have to see him every other week. I have to see him for the rest of my life. I am fortunate that my education has rewarded me with more than common knowledge on the subject. I know that I suffer from PTSD and that I will continue to become traumatized every time I see him for an indefinite amount of time. I have been told by people who reserve PTSD for our military (which I am NOT denying here) that it is not PTSD I suffer; I'm just afraid of him. I smile, nod, say their beliefs are valid because they live in their reality and I live in mine, and never talk to them about it again.

Life is difficult right now, but I have a few wonderful highlights that I can't wait to begin to share. This blog is still reserved for the aftermath of this particular abuse. When I'm comfortable, I'll post a link to my "regular" blog that I've been keeping for years.

It is STILL my goal to share the stories from the beginning through recovery. It's a slow process, but it will be out there. If I could pause nursing school, the kids, the bills, and every other aspect of life, I would sit here and write a day by day history.

Although, once again, I posted no logical thought process, I know where I'm going with this. Tomorrow's (today?) a new day...and I'm going to own it. :) Happy Friday!


"The pessimist feels the wind and fears a hurricane. The optimist feels the wind and waits for the change. Comfortable people feel the wind and fly their kites."


My goal is to fly my kite.