Although my counselor would disagree, I believe that confrontation is absolutely necessary in order to heal. If you do not confront the person who is abusing you, you will continue to live in denial. If he is dangerous to you physically or otherwise, it is best to tell OTHER people about it to prevent denial. While at the end of your rope, call somebody.
I confronted him. I told him what he was doing to me. My heart rate must have been over 170 and I felt like I would regret it instantly, but I did it. His reaction, although it was the opposite of what I expected, was shockingly disturbing. I expected him to get angry, as usual, and blame me for it. I know it's not my fault, and I think he finally sees that this will not work anymore. I expected him to say something like, "if you would just be this/do this/act like this, you wouldn't think that. I'm not abusive, I'm so good to you. You're blind," because I hear this so frequently. I figured that I would, once again, be telling deaf ears that I was afraid, lonely, and anxious.
His reaction disturbs me. He told me, "I know." I recoiled as if I had been hit and asked how long he had known that he was doing that to me. He responded that he had known for some time. I was shocked. Why would he keep doing this if he loved me? He said he couldn't stop once he got started. I made myself an easy target.
Everything that proceeded after that sounded like he had read the very same book that I had. I don't understand. He talks to me like he understands and like it really hurts him that he has done this to me for so many years while I've stuck by his side, withering away to this shell I am today. I tell him about the plans I've made for the next time he threatens to leave me, or the next time he tells me I'm not good enough, etc. I tell him I'm ready to go because I've told him for years to stop. I've cried an ocean full of tears and I know that I can't take anymore. It has to stop.
He says it will stop. He promises. He's going to go to therapy and we're going to work on it. The truth is, I feel guilty now. I've hurt him. I've made him cry by being honest. I feel as if I'm never going to win in this situation. I feel like I need to get out. I don't feel that he can change. I'm a believer in statistics...and they don't look good. This is a severe case and here I am hoping for it to work, but knowing that within a few days I will be torn to shreds by his words again.
Understand that this is not a case of "toughen up" in any way at all. There is not enough support for verbal abuse out there at all. This happens to even the strongest, most intelligent women out there. We love these men, just as women who are physically abused stay because they love so much.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Sunday, January 23, 2011
When it's time to be honest with yourself.
I think of myself as a very honest person. I do not lie unless the truth would cause exceptional harm to anyone, including myself. Usually I don't even have any information that cause any harm, so I don't worry about it. I'm not brutal or anything; I generally think the best about people and their situations. I think that the people who know me well know that I will always strive to be honest with them.
I have discovered that I only lie to myself and that I cause myself harm. I read over the blogs I haven't deleted here (the post partum depression and such) and came across the engagement post. I wrote this:
We have seen each other at terrible times, and we have offered our shoulders to each other during these times. We have laughed, cried, yelled, smiled, hugged, kissed, screamed, slammed doors, walked away, and come back for more.
This is a lie. That whole blog, pictures and everything, was perfectly placed so that he would see it. I even finally gave him the blog address. I want(ed) him to think that I was happy. I always hoped that if he thought I was happy, he would be. I am tragically in love with him.
The truth is that I have been in a verbally abusive relationship for years and I am finally aware of it. The post partum condition after having our daughter was exasperated by this. He was cruel. He told me to "get my shit together," and I was chastised and told to, "call someone who gives a damn," when I cried about his comments. The quote above does not accurately describe any way that he has treated me over the years. I am not "allowed" to tell him how I feel because it's always wrong. Sometimes I am afraid of speaking....but I am more afraid that I will forget to feel and think for myself.
Why have I stayed? That is a question I will try to never ask myself again. Through months and months of counseling and trying everything in every book, I finally admitted what everyone was telling me all along.
There is nothing I can do. He cannot change, he will not change. I do not have to justify feeling how I do because this is real. This is pain. I am put down, belittled, antagonized, etc on a daily basis. The Verbally Abusive Relationship is the best book I could have gotten. I finally listened to the counselor and read it. I cried for the first few chapters, highlighter streaming across every page. Although I read the book in a day, (when I should have been studying. I am always concentrating on "us" when I should be studying.) I used three different colors to highlight the areas and lines that I related to in my current situation.
This is what it took for me to realize that it was true and I am not making this up.
Nearly the whole book is highlighted. I would and will recommend this book to anyone that is even at the start of a verbally abusive relationship. If I could go back, I would have caught the cruel comments and "jokes" within the first few weeks (yes, it was that soon) and I would never have continued. I now know that this is not okay.
He was receptive again to counseling, but probably will not go. I'm trying to do my best and tell him to stop and then walk away. I'm supposed to tell him the comments are unacceptable or something similar. It sounds easy. It's not.
He has drained me through the years and I cannot believe right now that it happened to me. It happens to SO many women and it goes unnoticed. People see him as an amazing guy. Of course they do; he buys me expensive things and we go on trips. They don't see what happens when they're not around and verbal abuse does not leave a physical scar.
I have discovered that I only lie to myself and that I cause myself harm. I read over the blogs I haven't deleted here (the post partum depression and such) and came across the engagement post. I wrote this:
We have seen each other at terrible times, and we have offered our shoulders to each other during these times. We have laughed, cried, yelled, smiled, hugged, kissed, screamed, slammed doors, walked away, and come back for more.
This is a lie. That whole blog, pictures and everything, was perfectly placed so that he would see it. I even finally gave him the blog address. I want(ed) him to think that I was happy. I always hoped that if he thought I was happy, he would be. I am tragically in love with him.
The truth is that I have been in a verbally abusive relationship for years and I am finally aware of it. The post partum condition after having our daughter was exasperated by this. He was cruel. He told me to "get my shit together," and I was chastised and told to, "call someone who gives a damn," when I cried about his comments. The quote above does not accurately describe any way that he has treated me over the years. I am not "allowed" to tell him how I feel because it's always wrong. Sometimes I am afraid of speaking....but I am more afraid that I will forget to feel and think for myself.
Why have I stayed? That is a question I will try to never ask myself again. Through months and months of counseling and trying everything in every book, I finally admitted what everyone was telling me all along.
There is nothing I can do. He cannot change, he will not change. I do not have to justify feeling how I do because this is real. This is pain. I am put down, belittled, antagonized, etc on a daily basis. The Verbally Abusive Relationship is the best book I could have gotten. I finally listened to the counselor and read it. I cried for the first few chapters, highlighter streaming across every page. Although I read the book in a day, (when I should have been studying. I am always concentrating on "us" when I should be studying.) I used three different colors to highlight the areas and lines that I related to in my current situation.
This is what it took for me to realize that it was true and I am not making this up.
Nearly the whole book is highlighted. I would and will recommend this book to anyone that is even at the start of a verbally abusive relationship. If I could go back, I would have caught the cruel comments and "jokes" within the first few weeks (yes, it was that soon) and I would never have continued. I now know that this is not okay.
He was receptive again to counseling, but probably will not go. I'm trying to do my best and tell him to stop and then walk away. I'm supposed to tell him the comments are unacceptable or something similar. It sounds easy. It's not.
He has drained me through the years and I cannot believe right now that it happened to me. It happens to SO many women and it goes unnoticed. People see him as an amazing guy. Of course they do; he buys me expensive things and we go on trips. They don't see what happens when they're not around and verbal abuse does not leave a physical scar.
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