The beginning...

So, here I am, faced with the commitment I made to 411 people that "like" the Facebook page to post a blog with an overview of my story before I delve deeper into it in future blogs. Personally, I don't like saying that people "like" the Facebook page, because liking anything with the term "Verbal Abuse" seems wrong to me.

I know that I made a commitment to this group to slowly grow it until I have the time to manage it full time and turn it into a charity. It has been growing at the right rate, which is slow. I feel like we, together, will be able to help many women move in the right direction to heal.

I've shared it before, and will many times in the future. I decided to do this because when I searched online for personal stories, there were none. I found no validation and continued to feel like I was crazy, alone, and stuck. When we are safe and feel comfortable telling our stories, they will be extremely beneficial to the women* that read them.

This will be raw and unedited, and hopefully the thoughts will flow. I'm afraid to re-read it and edit as I write because there are humanistic characteristics and mistakes that will make some of you feel more comfortable with me. Today I have constantly thought about where I should begin. Do I pick a story out of so many and let it flow or do I gloss over the surface and continue another time with stories? I don't know yet. All day I have been bombarded by memories, as I am most days. Today was different because I want to share with you the best way that I can. I have been moved while responding to emails and Facebook messages lately by the stories and pleas for help. I realize over and over again that we are NOT alone in this. Our stories have different details, but are so much the same. We are afraid of our next word, step, or even breath whether we are still in contact with the abuser or not. The breath of the abuser is always on our neck, sticky and chilling. He changes, he stays the same...no matter...because it is always there.

Married once before, I met this man with hesitation that was overridden with infatuation. He was charismatic, confident, successful, playful, and interested. I never had felt true self confidence and was very concerned that I would never find someone to love me. He stood me up twice and I still went out with him because he talked to me like no one ever had before. We spent a fabulous week together shortly after because my son was at his father's for half of Christmas break. I fell fast, but his "easy going" attitude about me kept me from wanting to tell him. There were times that I should have walked away. Hind site is always 20/20. I can remember now that, during the first week after our first date, he told me that I was average looking but he could make me pretty. I hated this comment, but part of me wanted to be what he thought was pretty. The breaking down started the first week. I probably was under the impression that I could not be broken down by someone else because I had already done it to myself. I tried to remain calm and maintain balance, even through several times when he needed a "break" and when he had sex with his ex girlfriend. I stayed because I knew, no matter what, that he was it for me. A year after leaving, I know he was. If he had treated me like a human, that is. Dating, our relationship was kept secret because of our business relationship. No one found out that we were together for a year. I was five months pregnant and starting to show. Everyone at work thought that I was seeing a married man because I would not talk about my new boyfriend. I had to tell HR and go through the appropriate paths to have all of my files audited that went to his company.

He refused the pregnancy and told me to leave. He told me he was moving 45 minutes away and selling his house if I didn't get an abortion. I begged and pleaded. I am ashamed of how desperate I was. I wanted him to at least be in her life, and promised that he did not have to be with me. I was told I could not have children...and I was being blessed with one more. I could not "take care of it". That's my choice. Still, I called for a week. I emailed him babycenter, "Your baby's development" updates. I left letters on his door about what it meant to be a parent. I felt for him, never being a real father. He had been a step father for 8 years. The girl called him daddy...yet he hated her mother for leaving and never spoke to the girl that was a daughter to him again. I feel like I was blind, even knowing this. He called me one day and said that he was sorry. He turned on his beautiful, charming side, and I melted. A week later, he still had not told me he loved me, but had moved my son and myself in with him.

I thought that he hated us. Jokingly one day, I tried to get him to admit he even liked me. His response had something to do with me being too needy and if I wanted to stay in his house, I needed to realize what he was doing for us. It didn't matter if he liked me or not. The helper in me "knew" I could fix him...and it appears I have.

Email from right before I found out I was pregnant. I was already afraid and justifying why I needed to hear this...I hate seeing it now, but this is how he melted me:

Tell me ONE thing you think I do well, and one separate thing you like about me. No, I don't need this to feel better about myself. I am 100% confident in myself. No, I'm not being needy. No, this isn't a big deal. Yes, I need you to do this. After you tell me, I won't say another thing about it. Promise. I know you're irritated with me right now.

His response: You make me feel needed, like I'm wanted and that I'm a part of something.



He needed me, and that is what I needed. This is all I can do tonight. The memories are flooding in...but I will be sure I type them as they come to me and compile them in a blog that flows more for tomorrow. This is tougher than I thought...and I haven't even started.

*I want to make it clear that an abuser can be anyone. Male, female, child, relative, stranger, friend, etc. For the purposes of my story, it is a male.

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us."
Ralph Waldo Emerson




Recovery is inevitable. I know this, but it is so hard not to be impatient at times. It's happening in the cycles that it is supposed to, according to the many helpful books I have read. I tried to rush it, but only made it worse. It can't be rushed. The problem with having the knowledge that I've acquired about this, and the deep interest in the subject matter for career development, is that I constantly believe that I can rise above it. I can't. There is nothing about me that is exceptional or different than any other woman trying to heal. I understand what is going on within me and why, but that's not enough. I actually have to do the work to heal. I have to remember that. My feelings of self worth cannot be reset every time him and I see each other, or even speak... I am worth so much more. I am worth this recovery.

I'm the only person that can define who I am. He never should have, and I cannot allow him to now. I know who I am and what I am worth. I am a caring, enthusiastic, hard working, intelligent woman. I am an excellent mother and have raised two brilliant, loving, beautiful children. I love my life. I love the people in my life...and I deserve it all.

Some days are tougher than others...but I'm getting closer.

I've surrounded myself with the people who can and want to:
make me smile.
smile because of me.
laugh with me.
care about me.
receive care from me.
be with me.
let me be there for them.
be there for me.




I'm going to add to this list later. The people that are in my life will be here forever. I have been fortunate enough to experience unimaginable support system in my family and friends. They are still by my side and I have no doubt that they value me as much as I value them.

Every day is a winding road...

....and I am getting a little bit closer.



I have a friend that told me that I had taken on too much when I decided that I wanted to share my story. I denied it. Completely. She (nicely) let me know that my goals were set too high and that I would only be setting myself up to, well, fail. I actually became upset with this. I'm trying to build my confidence back as an independent, capable, intelligent woman and she tells me to slow down. This didn't sit well with me. I felt like it was wrong of her to (sorry about the dramatic words here, but it is 1:30 in the morning) crush my dreams. As the only person that understood how much this meant to me, she should have been more supportive.

I now know that she was right. I admit it when I'm wrong about something, and boy was I wrong! Every time I think I've reached a stress threshold, I reach the next level. Not only is it painful to reminisce as often as I want to, but I still have to see him every other week. I have to see him for the rest of my life. I am fortunate that my education has rewarded me with more than common knowledge on the subject. I know that I suffer from PTSD and that I will continue to become traumatized every time I see him for an indefinite amount of time. I have been told by people who reserve PTSD for our military (which I am NOT denying here) that it is not PTSD I suffer; I'm just afraid of him. I smile, nod, say their beliefs are valid because they live in their reality and I live in mine, and never talk to them about it again.

Life is difficult right now, but I have a few wonderful highlights that I can't wait to begin to share. This blog is still reserved for the aftermath of this particular abuse. When I'm comfortable, I'll post a link to my "regular" blog that I've been keeping for years.

It is STILL my goal to share the stories from the beginning through recovery. It's a slow process, but it will be out there. If I could pause nursing school, the kids, the bills, and every other aspect of life, I would sit here and write a day by day history.

Although, once again, I posted no logical thought process, I know where I'm going with this. Tomorrow's (today?) a new day...and I'm going to own it. :) Happy Friday!


"The pessimist feels the wind and fears a hurricane. The optimist feels the wind and waits for the change. Comfortable people feel the wind and fly their kites."


My goal is to fly my kite.

Good intentions

Although I know this blog does not have loyal followers right now, I wanted to apologize for not living up to my goal of one post a day. Guilt is now a part of my every day life that I'm trying to overcome. I know that I do not have to justify to anyone that may read this blog now or in the future, but I will still do it. Currently, I am very busy with the every day complexities of being a single mom of two children and taking finals for my summer classes. I am stressed about finances and what the future will bring there.

Also, some days it is very painful to write or read about the past. This is all a part of recovery, though. I will end today with a beautiful song that gave me goosebumps from head to toe.

We are strong and we will make it out of the darkness. Awareness is the first step in the journey of healing. With support and knowledge, every one of us will rise out of the ground that we were buried alive in.

Sharing a story a day.

Since the whole reason behind this blog is to share experiences that other women may be able to relate to, I'm going to start. As I have said before, when I realized what was happening, I could not find validation. I felt crazy due to the abuse and like my thoughts might be all lies like he said they were. If one story resonates with one person, that will be worth it.

I've started to pull together the countless emails, recorded and text conversations. The stories are all there. They're unbelievable. If you were to tell me about four years ago that my life would turn into constant verbal battering, I wouldn't have believed you at all. I was too tough for that.

Before I start posting individual stories, please consider that this is difficult. I am battling PTSD right now. I lost insurance when I left, so I'm dealing with it on my own. I have flashbacks and nightmares. I constantly think I've made somebody angry and become filled with anxiety. If I don't hear from a friend for a day, I tend to think that I must have done something wrong. I search through text messages and my memory to figure out what I said or did to upset them. I apologize for it when they call. They never understand why I'm apologizing, because I'm embarrassed to tell them about the anxiety over their imagined anger.

I am very fortunate to have a wonderful support system. I can call my friends at any time and they will either come over or talk on the phone with me until the smoke clears. I have parents that understand what I'm going through and that are thrilled that I am out. I literally would not have left his house if it had not been for my friends and family. They could have saved my life.

Don't take what I've just said the wrong way. Yes, at times, I am suffering. I can say with complete honesty that through the suffering, I am happier than I ever was with him. I still have to see him because of our daughter. I do breathing exercises before he comes so that the anxiety isn't too great. I am happy. I am not being abused. I don't have to be ever again.

I admire every woman that leaves and every woman that stays. Hold your chin up, put your shoulders back, and do what you can. You are worth it.

Stories of yesterday.

I have been doing something extraordinarily painful the last few days. I have been going through years of emails and emailed text "conversations". Why? Why put myself through the pain? It seems worthless because I can't even count the number of times I've cried while doing this.

There are reasons why I'm doing this. I used to do it after I knew about the abuse so that I could remind myself of what was happening. I would get stuck in what some call the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) phase of abuse when he was "nice" to me. I could pick a random date over the span of our relationship and open an email. I then had my reminder that this was real. Now it is therapeutic sometimes because I am reminded that I did the right thing. I get lonely at times and wonder if I've made a mistake. I pick a random date, read, and the feeling is gone.

The reason I'm doing it now is important as well. I have a lot of work to do, and it could take me a long time. I have to remove personal, identifying details and figure out what to include and what not to. I'm going to publish it. I'm realistic in knowing that it could take years to do this. I am a full time student and mother while dealing with the PTSD from the abuse. I have set a goal, though, and will make the time to do this. Reading about others' encounters is what helped me recognize what was going on in my own relationship. As painful as it is to revisit my stories, a victim could see her story in mine. It could make the necessary difference.

Single Dad Laughing, You just broke your child.

This reminds me that there are men out there that recognize abuse and do not victimize others.

The newest letter hanging in my office.

Although writing yourself a note seems insane to some, their opinion has nothing to do with who you are. Self dialogue is important for healing and remembering who you are.


Remember that:
-You can do this on your own.
-You are not responsible for others' behaviors or words.
-You deserve to be treated with respect.
-You can say no to what you do not like or want.
-You can make life changes if you want to.
-You are intelligent, funny, creative, resourceful, kind, and beautiful.
-You are NOT ALONE! Others would not offer to help if they did not want to. Take their help!
-You are worth working for.
-Every time you feel worthless, stop and re-evaluate.
-Do not measure your worth with anyone's opinion.
-Sleep, eat, exercise.
-You have been through trauma. The nightmares will fade, and flashbacks will be painful. Stay focused and in the present.
-You are lovable. It will come. Don't look for it.
-Nobody has a right to treat you as less than their equal.
-If there is one red flag, RUN! It is okay. You won't hurt him.
-If the words, attitudes, or actions disempower, disrespect, or devalue the other, then they are abusive.

You are worth more than abuse. If someone does not see your worth, walk away with your head held high.

You are going to make it. BREATHE. YOU did it.

Love yourself.

"Many women who leave abusive relationships are re-traumatized each time they see their former mate." "...You've got a 50/50 shot. You don't know whether Jekyll or Hyde will be there..."

Breathe. You're worth it.

Speak up, your words may mean nothing to you, but they could save another woman see the truth.

This is posted on the facebook info page. I thought I would post it here since I had to take some out in the summary here.

I have hope. Although my confidence is here one second and gone the next at the moment, I have hope. I know that I can pull through this and help someone else. After receiving a Bachelor's Degree in Nursing and in Psychology, I will continue to obtain a Master's Degree. I made it out still making amazing grades in school. Somehow I've done it. I think this is why. I have hope, and one day I want to pass that hope to someone else. If anything, I just want to document my eventual success, no matter how long it takes. It will give someone hope that wasn't available to me when I needed it.

Although every type of abuse will be dealt with for the rest of a victim's life, scars from verbal and emotional abuse do not heal. Some of us stay in these relationships until we reach the end of our lives and some of us leave. Whether we stay or leave, we all suffer with feelings of worthlessness, self esteem that just can't be faked, and may find it difficult to see the future with an optimistic attitude ever again. It is this serious. We are NOT weak. We are NOT stupid. We are aware of what we are going through, but have been made to think we are crazy, stupid, and weak. We have lived through intense psychological battering and are trying to rise above so that we never face it again. We don't have to because we have each other.

We are a group of women that not many know about, and that has to change. There is far too little assistance for women that do not show their scars on the outside. There are private forums online that can be hacked into by abusers, no matter how secure they claim to be. We risk getting hurt, in every way, every time we decide we need to talk to someone. We may not be able to talk on the phone, in person, in our houses, or online because he's watching our every move.

We may whisper while we're in these relationships, but we're going to shout now that we're out!

We're going to raise awareness and call everyone to action. Eventually, we're going to raise funds to help women and children escape these homes. It does not matter if the abuse you are experiencing shows on the outside or not. If there is any abuse, you deserve help immediately. I hope that someday it becomes available. It's my dream.

Healing lasts a lifetime..

..and it's hard to convince yourself every minute that you are worth the life you're trying to build. This blog will be completely up and running daily as a way to express myself and hopefully be found someday by someone that needs it.

I have been away for 20 days now and every time I think I'm okay, I discover that I'm not. I know through the research I did for a paper in my Psych class last semester, that this will last my whole lifetime. Studies show that women who have suffered this kind of abuse never fully recover. There are a variety of factors that make this true. There is no support for us, people don't take it seriously because they can't see the damage, and we have no self worth. Having no self worth makes us feel like we don't need or deserve help. Some days I wish that he had stuck with the physical abuse so that I could heal the wounds. He only did that a few times.

There will be updates, as well as stories that I have written the past few years, posted when another day comes that I feel capable of it. Currently, I'm trying to do school work and am completely uninterested.

Confrontation is a Must

Although my counselor would disagree, I believe that confrontation is absolutely necessary in order to heal. If you do not confront the person who is abusing you, you will continue to live in denial. If he is dangerous to you physically or otherwise, it is best to tell OTHER people about it to prevent denial. While at the end of your rope, call somebody.

I confronted him. I told him what he was doing to me. My heart rate must have been over 170 and I felt like I would regret it instantly, but I did it. His reaction, although it was the opposite of what I expected, was shockingly disturbing. I expected him to get angry, as usual, and blame me for it. I know it's not my fault, and I think he finally sees that this will not work anymore. I expected him to say something like, "if you would just be this/do this/act like this, you wouldn't think that. I'm not abusive, I'm so good to you. You're blind," because I hear this so frequently. I figured that I would, once again, be telling deaf ears that I was afraid, lonely, and anxious.

His reaction disturbs me. He told me, "I know." I recoiled as if I had been hit and asked how long he had known that he was doing that to me. He responded that he had known for some time. I was shocked. Why would he keep doing this if he loved me? He said he couldn't stop once he got started. I made myself an easy target.

Everything that proceeded after that sounded like he had read the very same book that I had. I don't understand. He talks to me like he understands and like it really hurts him that he has done this to me for so many years while I've stuck by his side, withering away to this shell I am today. I tell him about the plans I've made for the next time he threatens to leave me, or the next time he tells me I'm not good enough, etc. I tell him I'm ready to go because I've told him for years to stop. I've cried an ocean full of tears and I know that I can't take anymore. It has to stop.

He says it will stop. He promises. He's going to go to therapy and we're going to work on it. The truth is, I feel guilty now. I've hurt him. I've made him cry by being honest. I feel as if I'm never going to win in this situation. I feel like I need to get out. I don't feel that he can change. I'm a believer in statistics...and they don't look good. This is a severe case and here I am hoping for it to work, but knowing that within a few days I will be torn to shreds by his words again.

Understand that this is not a case of "toughen up" in any way at all. There is not enough support for verbal abuse out there at all. This happens to even the strongest, most intelligent women out there. We love these men, just as women who are physically abused stay because they love so much.

When it's time to be honest with yourself.

I think of myself as a very honest person. I do not lie unless the truth would cause exceptional harm to anyone, including myself. Usually I don't even have any information that cause any harm, so I don't worry about it. I'm not brutal or anything; I generally think the best about people and their situations. I think that the people who know me well know that I will always strive to be honest with them.


I have discovered that I only lie to myself and that I cause myself harm. I read over the blogs I haven't deleted here (the post partum depression and such) and came across the engagement post. I wrote this:
We have seen each other at terrible times, and we have offered our shoulders to each other during these times. We have laughed, cried, yelled, smiled, hugged, kissed, screamed, slammed doors, walked away, and come back for more.


This is a lie. That whole blog, pictures and everything, was perfectly placed so that he would see it. I even finally gave him the blog address. I want(ed) him to think that I was happy. I always hoped that if he thought I was happy, he would be. I am tragically in love with him.

The truth is that I have been in a verbally abusive relationship for years and I am finally aware of it. The post partum condition after having our daughter was exasperated by this. He was cruel. He told me to "get my shit together," and I was chastised and told to, "call someone who gives a damn," when I cried about his comments. The quote above does not accurately describe any way that he has treated me over the years. I am not "allowed" to tell him how I feel because it's always wrong. Sometimes I am afraid of speaking....but I am more afraid that I will forget to feel and think for myself.

Why have I stayed? That is a question I will try to never ask myself again. Through months and months of counseling and trying everything in every book, I finally admitted what everyone was telling me all along.

There is nothing I can do. He cannot change, he will not change. I do not have to justify feeling how I do because this is real. This is pain. I am put down, belittled, antagonized, etc on a daily basis. The Verbally Abusive Relationship is the best book I could have gotten. I finally listened to the counselor and read it. I cried for the first few chapters, highlighter streaming across every page. Although I read the book in a day, (when I should have been studying. I am always concentrating on "us" when I should be studying.) I used three different colors to highlight the areas and lines that I related to in my current situation.

This is what it took for me to realize that it was true and I am not making this up.

Nearly the whole book is highlighted. I would and will recommend this book to anyone that is even at the start of a verbally abusive relationship. If I could go back, I would have caught the cruel comments and "jokes" within the first few weeks (yes, it was that soon) and I would never have continued. I now know that this is not okay.

He was receptive again to counseling, but probably will not go. I'm trying to do my best and tell him to stop and then walk away. I'm supposed to tell him the comments are unacceptable or something similar. It sounds easy. It's not.

He has drained me through the years and I cannot believe right now that it happened to me. It happens to SO many women and it goes unnoticed. People see him as an amazing guy. Of course they do; he buys me expensive things and we go on trips. They don't see what happens when they're not around and verbal abuse does not leave a physical scar.

Lost

I know for a fact that I've never been more lost than I am in this moment. I know that I will figure it out, as always, but I think it's going to be difficult. I know that I don't want to leave, but I'm going through the motions so that when the day comes, I'll be ready. I've been blindly preparing and getting things in order so that life can start again. It will get better.

It will. :)

Happy New Year!

That's Interesting, Honey....

...as his eyes are closing and he drifts into a dream-filled sleep. That would normally be fine, except you just shared your deepest interests and passions with him. The truth is, though, should he even feign interest in the possible repercussions of a neurological breakthrough? Or, better yet, that you just learned about the composition of blood and what connects this to this, and what is SO amazing about the human body? It's mind blowing when you break down what we require to move even an eyelid!

My answer would be yes. While it stinks that he would have to feign interest, at least it would be something. An enthusiastic nod, a question or two to show that the wheels are turning, or even a smile that says "I love you for your brain". For someone that loves this kind of science, it's very difficult to comprehend someone not being passionate about it. You become surrounded by others that share your passions, only to come home to someone that has absolutely no interest. It's hard to find the balance.

Sometimes all you can think about is how you developed an interest in his world. You've never liked video games, you play them now. You've never cared for tv, much less ANYTHING sci-fi, and you watch them and get excited. With him. For him. Are women just better at faking (ha!) or are we just more open to considering new experiences?

I just want to be me and have that be okay...

I won't say all of us are the same. We have a lot of things in common. The most general thing is that we are women. Some of us are mothers, step-mothers, or adoptive parents. We are wives, girlfriends, or engaged. We shovel the last, heaping bite of chocolate cake in our mouths when no one is looking even if we claim we don't like cake or chocolate. Okay, maybe that's just me. We like romantic comedies, but get hooked on action movies. We love our children, but we need air from time to time. We love our significant others. We are faithful. We are honest. We are aiming to please. We want to succeed. We want others around us to breathe in that success and make it their own. We want to put a band aid on the world and start over. We want too much. We care and we have amazing hearts. We are completely misunderstood by those that don't feel the same. We keep going, even if we are not appreciated. We hope that one day, it will come.

They think we want to be Barbie. While it would be nice to have the time to be Barbie, with perfect hair, teeth, nails, and boobs, I have to laugh at that. There is only one woman I can be like that will get it all done when it needs to be.





Personally, I don't want to be Wonder Woman for the rest of my life. There are some days when I want to kick back, and let whatever's going to fall apart around me just crumble. As much as I want to, I just can't. I do what I'm supposed to do to make the lives of those around me better, then I worry about mine. Very few days go by now that I actually have time to think about myself, though. Taking care of those around me is exhausting most days and takes up the majority of my thoughts.

There are horrible things going on all over the world. I'm absolutely sure there are people out there that would love to have what I have, including the problems. I'm a woman who just took a time out for herself, and now I have to go pick up the pieces around me. That's all.

Finding a balance...

....between you and me.