Although my counselor would disagree, I believe that confrontation is absolutely necessary in order to heal. If you do not confront the person who is abusing you, you will continue to live in denial. If he is dangerous to you physically or otherwise, it is best to tell OTHER people about it to prevent denial. While at the end of your rope, call somebody.
I confronted him. I told him what he was doing to me. My heart rate must have been over 170 and I felt like I would regret it instantly, but I did it. His reaction, although it was the opposite of what I expected, was shockingly disturbing. I expected him to get angry, as usual, and blame me for it. I know it's not my fault, and I think he finally sees that this will not work anymore. I expected him to say something like, "if you would just be this/do this/act like this, you wouldn't think that. I'm not abusive, I'm so good to you. You're blind," because I hear this so frequently. I figured that I would, once again, be telling deaf ears that I was afraid, lonely, and anxious.
His reaction disturbs me. He told me, "I know." I recoiled as if I had been hit and asked how long he had known that he was doing that to me. He responded that he had known for some time. I was shocked. Why would he keep doing this if he loved me? He said he couldn't stop once he got started. I made myself an easy target.
Everything that proceeded after that sounded like he had read the very same book that I had. I don't understand. He talks to me like he understands and like it really hurts him that he has done this to me for so many years while I've stuck by his side, withering away to this shell I am today. I tell him about the plans I've made for the next time he threatens to leave me, or the next time he tells me I'm not good enough, etc. I tell him I'm ready to go because I've told him for years to stop. I've cried an ocean full of tears and I know that I can't take anymore. It has to stop.
He says it will stop. He promises. He's going to go to therapy and we're going to work on it. The truth is, I feel guilty now. I've hurt him. I've made him cry by being honest. I feel as if I'm never going to win in this situation. I feel like I need to get out. I don't feel that he can change. I'm a believer in statistics...and they don't look good. This is a severe case and here I am hoping for it to work, but knowing that within a few days I will be torn to shreds by his words again.
Understand that this is not a case of "toughen up" in any way at all. There is not enough support for verbal abuse out there at all. This happens to even the strongest, most intelligent women out there. We love these men, just as women who are physically abused stay because they love so much.
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